I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
You Might Also Like
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is