Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Wait for it

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

I hope they boil the right one.

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.