I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Meow
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.