I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
the short answer to this question
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
