I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
