I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*updates tinder bio*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
