I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
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[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
lol
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.