“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
me when I see my crush
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it