@kimholcomb

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

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@Cycloptomese

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

@80want

?Police Navidad / Police Navidad / Police Navidad, usemos mace y brutalidad?

@envydatropic

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

@patnspankme

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

@tanialunreal

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

@PatsATweetin

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

@shamans_heal

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

@Jacob_Swift16

A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house