“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
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[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Pigeon open mic night.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.