Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
?Police Navidad / Police Navidad / Police Navidad, usemos mace y brutalidad?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house