Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up