Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric