Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

huge if true: the moon

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.