I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Bear
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.