Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?