I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
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Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.