I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
