I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
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surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that