I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
True
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
i did the math
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color