Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

“No way.” -Jose

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.