I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver