I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
