I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I know
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
But is it really??
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
honey, bring out the fine china.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.