I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Great game to play with friends
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Meanwhile in Portland…
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
💻🤡
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
can’t talk my ride’s here
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.