I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
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[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.