Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.