I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
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How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?