I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
screw you
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The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there