Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.