I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Baller is short for ballerina
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Help Wanted
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine