I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Teamwork makes the dream work.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“HELP WITH CAT”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen