Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.