Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

Put my back out twerking in the library again

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

My circle of trust is a meatball

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

You might just have to resign…

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?