I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.


My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff


If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.


I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.


[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.


A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.


I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital


“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.