I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
BaD BoY!!
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha