@diaruba74

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

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@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

@DothTheDoth

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

@TheAlexNevil

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@RdrJay47

A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@reallifemommy3

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.