I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”