I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
