I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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Yup.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend