I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Should I call tech support or pray or what
What if the weather talks about us?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I think they could have phrased this better
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no