Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

True freaking story!