Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Legend 🤣🤣

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

I love the National Park Service.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Guy who likes music