I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
