Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Software Development ⛵️

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.