I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.