Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
According to math, I’m broke
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.