I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Put this video in the Louvre
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons