I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Previously On Persistence 😎
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done