I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
you’re so productive for your wage
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Day 2 of my diet
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.