I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Monday?
No. Next question.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure