I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
No selfies while hijacking a train.