I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail