I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police