Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police