Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

These are my emotional support Pringles.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

It’s that simple 👊🏻

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.