I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
