Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

sliding into dms like

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.