I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.