I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
You Might Also Like
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”