I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Meow
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
That de-escalated quickly
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
channeling her this year
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help