I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
3% human
97% stress
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.