I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
That earthquake could have been an email.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.