I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
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Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
(2022)
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese