Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

here we go again

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Practicing safe sax

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.