I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.