I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Super Hand Dog Face
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.