I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.