Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

You had me at “define legal”.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.