Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Cartman: Respect my
a a

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.