Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Battery falling down a hole

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination