I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
You Might Also Like
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too