Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

🖤✌🏽

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Haikus are silly.
Why seventeen syllables?
Why not one less?

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol