I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
The cycle continues
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.