I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow