I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
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Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
This was the best day of my life
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
